I am not delighted right now. Delight, in fact, seems about as far away as Pluto.
Today I went to a health check kindly supplied by my employer. It went badly. While there is currently no official diagnosis, it’s safe to say that I have diabetes. I am booked for more tests at the crack of dawn to confirm this un-delightful news.
It’s somewhat cruel timing, right when I was working on the next post inspired by the Double Delight rose. Thinking about delight has been delightful, a second helping if you like. I came to realise that things that delight me are actually quite modest. Flowers obviously. I delight in the space between waking and sleeping, nestled in the gentle warmth of the doona and still in contact with my deeper self. I delight in the daily affections of the Iron Paw. I delight in unhurried breakfasts in bed, although I have found that soft poached eggs are a challenge to eat in a semi horizontal position.
There is so much about food to delight in. I don’t mean in a fancy, cheffy way. I mean the textural delight of fresh cherries, one the oozing delight of a soft cheese, or the crispy delight of roasted potatoes. I’m about to lose all that, or at the very least have it severely curtailed. Food will no longer be a source on anticipatory delight and will instead become a source of stress and regrets.
What I’m most upset about is that I thought I’d staved this off.about this time three years ago, I went to emergency with chest pains. I wasn’t having a heart attack. It was stress, and my body was telling me it was unhappy with me. (It had valid reasons). The battery of tests showed that I was borderline on blood glucose. ‘Not to worry’ they cheerfully promised. It can all be fixed with lifestyle changes.
Despite a number of obstacles such as the job from hell, a PhD in its death throes and the death of my father, I changed a number of things to save my health. That included leaving the job from hell, taking time off, overhauling my diet and cutting back on the wine. Did it work???????????? Not if today’s result is anything to go by. And where is there for me to go now now that I don’t eat jasmine rice or white bread or….?
One of the stalwart delights of my life, unalloyed pleasure in food, is evaporating. I’m not delighted right now. I’m doubly depressed. Which is not how I wanted to start this project at all. This project was supposed to lead me to a happier future than the hell that I have been dwelling in for some time.